Ep. 6 - Boobs, Besties, And The “Who Am I” Spiral

When was the last time you described something you did with the word "just" in front of it?

I just raised my kids. I just managed the house. I just got through a really hard season.

That word. That tiny, sneaky, completely devastating word. It's doing so much damage and I don't think you even notice when you're saying it anymore.

Because here's the truth: you didn't just do anything. You have been building something for decades. You've been accumulating experience, resilience, wisdom, and perspective that most people would pay anything to have. And you've been treating it like a footnote.

Not anymore. That's what today is about.

In this episode we talk about:

• The voice that says who are you to be doing this — and why it's lying to you even when it sounds completely reasonable
• Why wanting more for yourself is not selfish — and why that question underneath so much of what midlife women carry needs to be answered out loud once and for all
• The real story behind "you can't pour from an empty vessel" — and why it's not just a coffee mug quote
• What you've actually been building for the last 20 years that you've been completely dismissing
• The specific skills you have right now that a 30-year-old literally cannot buy, borrow, or shortcut her way to
• The who are you not to reframe — and why it changes everything
• What happens in Not Done Yet Sessions when a woman finally hears someone say wait, can we go back to that — because what you just described is not a footnote
• The homework that's going to make you uncomfortable in the best possible way

Come hang out with me on Substack: https://substack.com/@rachelaperry

Grab your free Not Done Yet Reset: rachelaperry.com/notdoneyet

Connect with Rachel: 

Instagram — @rachelaperry 

TikTok — @rachelaperry 

Website — rachelaperry.com

If this episode hit home, share it with a midlife woman in your life who needs to hear it. She is not done yet either. 🔥

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're going to talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, the quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it, girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story, it's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet.

Gratitude And Setting The Foundation

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Hello, my friends. Welcome back to another episode of Not Done Yet. Y'all, I am blown away by the support from all of you for this podcast. This is the first episode I'm recording since releasing it. And I truly cannot even tell you how much it means to me that you are here, that you are listening, that you are supporting. There are just no words. There are literally no words. I was so nervous, as you guys know, I think you know that, about this release because it's truly something so near and dear to my heart. And when we do things like that, it's really scary, right? It's it's kind of like because we're so connected and so attached. And so I truly am beyond, beyond grateful that you are here, so excited to support you in all of this.

A New Substack Community Invite

SPEAKER_00 1:54

You guys, I'm I'm doing something new again that I wanted to tell you about before we dive into the episode. I started a Substack. What do you? I mean, you may not even know what Substack is. To be totally honest, I don't know if I do either, but I'm figuring it out. And it's kind of a place where people, writers, go. It's kind of another form of social media, I believe. And I can write newsletters there, but more than anything, it's about building a community for us. It's it's part of this not done yet movement. And so come on over. I don't even know what the link is to tell you. So you can just go to the show notes. But if you go to Substack and search Rachel A. Perry, I'll be there. And I've found some really cool articles on there that other people have been writing. So I kind of love it. So it's free right now. Come on over. It'll be free for a long time, actually. Come over, come hang out with me. Let's let's chat about all things midlife and not being done yet. And let's discover this new stage of life together. It's amazing. So substack.com, I believe, and you can search for Rachel A. Perry, or you can just look below and the notes will be there. Today, I I here's I've been thinking about this for a while. I just love this podcast. And I feel like it's where I can be totally real. I feel like you're my bestie. So hey, guess what? We're besties. And I feel like I can tell you all the things. It's not the same as sort of blurting it all out over social media. And so I feel that this is a safe space and I can tell you the things that I'm struggling with. And hopefully that will help you in your journey. And so these first 10 episodes of not done yet. There's a purpose to all of them. It's kind of setting the foundation. And then we're going to dive more into topical uh episodes where we're going to have people come on and we're going to talk about all the things midlife and we're going to talk about parenting. We're going to talk about hormone replacement therapy and we're going to talk about menopause and perimenopause and all the things. But these first 10 episodes are really just setting the foundation. And I have to tell you, I'm sharing this with you because I think it's, well, it is applicable to what many of you are going through. I've been coaching women in business for 13 plus years. I've built a couple of businesses online. I've helped hundreds of women figure out what's next for them. I've literally pivoted three times in my business since turning

The “Who Am I” Inner Critic

SPEAKER_00 4:30

34. And one of those pivots, like I've shared before, was leaving a million-dollar partnership because it wasn't aligned anymore. I've done the work and I have the receipts, and I'm sharing this for a reason. Because I still, I still hear a voice in my head that says, Who are you to be doing this? Who are you to be doing this, Rach? Like, who are you to be doing this? Who are you to coach or mentor other women through pivoting in midlife? Who are you to have a podcast? You don't have a psychology degree. You're not a licensed therapist. You don't have certification in midlife transitions or whatever you would even do. Who are you? And here's what I want to say about that voice. Because I know that I'm not alone here. I know that you might have a voice like that too. It might just sound a little different than mine. Maybe, well, before we go there, I just want to say that that voice is lying to you. Not because credentials don't matter, not because experience and education aren't valuable, but because that voice is using a really narrow definition of what makes someone qualified. And by that definition, most of the wisest, most capable, most genuinely helpful women I know would never be allowed to help anyone. And I want you to hear that because we often, these thoughts often come up as excuses and reasons why we can't do what we want to do or what we feel called to do, or what we have that idea on, because we are scared and because we doubt ourselves. And we're going to talk today about what you actually do have. Okay. What you can build or have built without realizing you were even building it. What you've been dismissing as ordinary, that's really anything but, because your life is more valuable than you think. And it's time you started seeing it that way. So buckle up, sister, because that's what we're talking about today. I want to start somewhere that is, I don't know, a little, maybe it's it's unexpected, but let's talk about what you have done. Let's talk about things that you are proud of. Hopefully you're proud of. You should be proud of them. You have shown up for people consistently, completely for decades. You've been the one who held it together, the one who figured it out, the one who made sure everyone had what they needed. You've been everything to everyone for a really long time. And I want to say this clearly that is not nothing. That is not a small feat. That took an enormous amount of strength and resilience and love and sheer force of will. Okay. Right? You should be proud of that. I am proud of you for that. But, and this is what I want you to sit with for a second. Somewhere along the way, being everything to everyone stopped being something you did and became who you were. It became your whole identity. The role consumed the person, right? You were so busy showing up for everyone else that you never really stopped to ask. But what about me? Like, what do I need? What do I want? What lights me up? And if you did ask, if that thought did creep in, if you had time to even think about yourself, I'm willing to bet it was followed almost immediately by something like that felt like guilt, maybe, or you thought you were being selfish for even wondering. And I want to talk about that for a second

Wanting More Is Not Selfish

SPEAKER_00 8:20

because I think that's something that happens in midlife, is there's almost it's not an identity crisis, but it's almost like a reawakening, right? A midlife reawakening, let's call it. Because for me personally, something that I'm navigating is I am not everything to my kids anymore. They're everything to me, but I'm not everything to them. And that's normal and to be expected. I'm navigating my eight, my almost 18-year-old has a boyfriend. That's a whole thing that we're navigating. I've I've never experienced this before. My almost 20-year-old son, who's in college, and I have not shared this publicly, but I'm sharing it here because you guys are my besties. But, you know, last week we had a really tough time with his anxiety. And I say we, because I literally made that anxiety, the crippling anxiety he had, the stress that he was living, I made that mine, you guys. My nervous system was so wrecked because he was crippled with anxiety. And it was at that moment when I thought, oh my gosh, should I even launch this podcast? Whoops, sorry, there's my British accent coming out. I'm trying really hard, but it comes out sometimes. Should I launch this? Because I really, he needs my attention right now. And I thought, what are you even talking about? This is his journey. Why are you making it your journey? And I started thinking, oh my gosh, am I being selfish? Am I being selfish to want to do this for myself? And I know I'm not the only one that has asked that. Right? And I want you to think about this because I think that's a question underneath so much of what we as midlife women carry. I think wondering if it's selfish to want more is something a lot of us never say out loud. We just feel it. This low-grade guilt for wanting something beyond what we already have, for wanting something that's ours. And I only, you know, I'm basing this off just the hundreds of women that I've worked with, but also myself. And I realize I may be extra. Okay. We actually may be extra, I'm most definitely extra. But here's where I think it comes from. When you spend years, decades being the one who puts everyone else first, it starts to feel like that's just what like a good, good woman does, right? That's what mothers do. Good partners, good daughters, good friends, you give. You show up, you make sure everyone's okay, and you do it without complaint because, well, that's just who you are. And then one day you look up and you think, wait a second, when is it my turn? And then you immediately feel terrible for thinking that. I felt it, and I know you've probably felt something like that. And I want to say something really, really clearly. I want you to hear this. Wanting more for yourself is not selfish. I get really, I can feel myself getting really like passionate about this. It's human, it's healthy and honestly, it's necessary. And I'm not gonna go here. Yes, I am. If a man wanted more, we would not be like, ooh, that's a little selfish, right? But when women want more, we're like, mm, really? Like, don't your kids need you? Whatever it is. I don't know why I'm going, I think because my kids are such a you hear me all talk about this all the time. But here's what I've learned. And it took me so long to really believe this. You cannot pour from an empty vessel. And that's not just me like quoting something. It's really true. When you spend so long giving everything to everyone else, there's nothing left for you. You don't just suffer. The people you love suffer too because they get a version of you that's literally running on empty, exhausted, maybe even resentful, going through the motions. Wanting something for yourself, wanting to feel alive again, wanting to pursue something that lights you up, wanting to figure out what's next for you. That's not taking something away from the people you love. That's making sure there's actually something left to give. And we're all at different stages in midlife. Some of us still have young kids, some of us have older teens like I do. Some of us are, you know, have an empty nest. Some of us are taking care of our parents, some of us are battling cancer, some of us are mourning a loss, some of us are divorced or getting divorced, some of us are remarrying. It doesn't matter where you are in life. If you are giving everything to everyone else, you have nothing left to give yourself. And here's another thing: the women I work with who finally give themselves permission to want more, sister, they become better mothers, better partners, better friends, better employees, better bosses, better everything, because they're finally showing up as themselves instead of the depleted version of someone who used to be herself. So wanting more is not selfish. It's the most honest thing you can do. So let's get back to who are you to do this? Okay. Who are you? Who are you to want something more? Because I think that voice shows up in a very specific way for midlife women. And I think it it sounds something like this. Now, maybe not exactly because I'm going off of kind of my experience and my experience with other women, but it's, and this is very, very applicable to where I am now. Literally, I was I reached out to, I can't even remember what she is. I think she's a holistic, I don't even know what she does. But okay, I'm gonna get a little woo for a second. But we have this frequency, okay?

Your Experience Is Real Expertise

SPEAKER_00 14:20

And our subconscious has believes all these lies. We've trained our subconscious to believe things that aren't true. And one of them for me that's come up recently is like, who am I to do this? Why would people listen to me? Why are people paying to work with me? Who am I to really be a midlife mentor for other women? And other lies that I hear other people say is like, who who am I like, is it is this really it? Why me? Who am I to think that I can do something like this? I want you to think about something you thought about. I thought about this in the middle of the night, actually. What is something that you've thought to yourself? Oh, it'd be cool to write a book, or it'd be cool to do this, or I wonder if I could blank. What is that? I want you to go there for a second. And I know that that has happened. Maybe it's what would it be like to travel alone? I don't know what it is, but I want you to think about that voice. What happens when you think that? Right? And I say this with so much love. I get this. I get this, I still hear that voice. I've built so many things. I've tried so many different pivots. I mean, I guess I haven't tried pivots. I've actually pivoted, I've done so many things, and yet I still hear that voice. I've had success and I still hear that voice. And here's what I come, I've come to understand about it. We're, oh, this gets me going. We're raised in a world that taught us very clearly that value comes from credentials, from degrees, from titles, from money, from things that get externally validated by someone with authority. You go to school, you get the piece of paper, and then you're allowed to do whatever. But life, actual lived experience, was never on that list. It was never like, well, when you get to the age of 50, you are gonna have so much more to offer people. No, we just think that means we're old. So we dismiss it. We don't count it. We look at everything we've learned from actually living our lives and we think, well, yeah, no, like I don't really have much to show for it. Like, what? And y'all, that is such a tragedy. Because the things that women, the things that you learned from living, from raising children, from navigating loss, from rebuilding after hard things, from fighting battles, from being the person everyone comes to when they need help, those things are not just valuable, they're often more valuable than anything you could learn in the classroom. And let's take it back a little bit. I was a teacher and I went to school to be a teacher, and then I student taught. I learned more student teaching than I did from my classes, right? Okay, so let's get really specific because I don't want this to just to be a pep talk and Rachel getting passionate. I want you to actually see what you have. Okay. So I want you to think about what you've navigated in the last 20 years. You've managed a household, which if you've ever tried to explain to someone who hasn't done it, what that actually involves, you know, like managing a household is literally the world's biggest understatement. You've been a project manager, a logistics coordinator, a conflict mediator, a financial planner, a therapist, a chef, a scheduler, a chauffeur, a chauffeur, a chauffeur, and like 40 other things that you don't have titles for because nobody can even come up with that many titles. You've advocated for people you love in systems that weren't designed to make easy. Yes, that's me. Whether it was fighting for your kid in a school system, navigating a medical situation, supporting someone through a crisis, you figured that shit out. You found the information, you made the calls, you showed up, you pushed back when you needed to, and you got it done. You've rebuilt maybe more than once, you've had things fall apart. Relationships, plans, identities, businesses, health, and you've found a way through. Girl, that's not luck, that's resilience. And resilience is a skill. It's a skill. It's a transferable skill. You've developed emotional intelligence that genuinely only comes from living. Gen X, elder millennials, we have something that not many other people have. Okay. Those young kids, those kids these days, they don't understand. We have the ability to read a room. We know how to hold space for someone who's struggling. We know when to push and when to back off. We know to sit with complexity and uncertainty without panicking. Y'all, these take decades to develop, and you have them. And here's the one I really want you to hear: you have perspective, real earned, hard-won perspective, the ability to zoom out and see the bigger arc of something when everyone else is reacting to the moment, the clarity about what actually matters versus what feels urgent, right? The clarity that that actually matters, the wisdom to know the difference between a setback and an ending. Y'all, a 30-year-old cannot buy that perspective. You cannot invest in a coach and get that perspective. You can't shortcut your way to it. It only comes from having lived enough life to know what it looks like on the other side of hard things. And that's what you have. And I'm hearing this for me like that's our credential, you guys. Our experience is what we have to offer. I just really want you to think about this because I want you to think about the moment that happens in your life when you're like, oh yeah, I got this. I got this, right? I know what I'm talking about. So let me ask you this. Who are you not to put yourself out there? Who are you not to try that thing, that idea, whatever it is? Who are you not to do that? If you ever think, oh yeah, but I couldn't do that, or oh, she can do it, but I could never, I really want you to question that and go, but wait, who am I not to? You have lived experience that is genuinely useful to someone. You have perspective that someone else is actively looking for. You've been through things that would help someone else navigate the same terrain. You have knowledge, real, hard-earned, battle-tested knowledge that came from actually living your life. And the question isn't whether you have something to offer. You do. The question is whether you're willing to stop dismissing it long enough to actually see it. And I obviously still work on this. I'm gonna be honesty is something you're always gonna get from me. Because I I am I'm not gonna pretend. There are times when I think, what if people saw the real me? And then I'm like, oh, wait, people do see the real me. But what if people saw the things that I try to hide? I built up debt in my business when I left my partnership. I built up debt, y'all. Significant business debt. And for a while I thought, well, who am I to coach people? This is when I was coaching um network marketers. Who am I to teach this when I have business debt? But here's the thing that is some, that doesn't mean that I'm bad. It doesn't mean that I'm not good at what I do, right? I still work on this, y'all. And I want to be really clear when I say that even when I talk to other women, the conversations I have with them every day, I still do have moments where I think, who am I to be doing this? And then I remind myself that I have been in the Middle of exactly what these women are feeling and what they're working through. I've pivoted three times in midlife. I've built things from nothing. I've made mistakes and I've learned from them and I've kept going. I've lived this. And it's the same for you. That's why I wanted you to think about all the things that you've done because that's not nothing. That is everything. And whatever version of that is true for you, whatever you've lived through, navigated, survived, built, learned, that is not nothing either. That, my friend, is everything. So something that's so cool that I get to see during my, I call them not done yet sessions. I'm obsessed with this. And in fact, I just had one earlier before I recorded this. We'll be talking and she'll tell me about her life. Um, you know, like like she's recited, like, I've done this, I've done this, I've done this, and I spent three years doing this, and I rebuilt my career and um from scratch after my divorce, and I advocated for my son and in the school system, whatever. And I basically ran this whole nonprofit as a volunteer for five years. And she just tosses in these massive things, just like, oh yeah. And I'll stop her and I'll say, wait a second, can we go back to that? Because what you just described is not just an oh yeah. This is a chapter. It's multiple chapters, actually. And when I say that, I watch something shift in her face, really her whole body. It's that moment of, wait, wait, wait, is that actually significant? Like, could could that actually be something? And it is. It absolutely is. That whole moment, that oh my gosh, I what I've lived actually matters moment. What I what I've lived has value. That's what this whole episode is about. That's what I want for you right now. Because I genuinely believe that the life that you've lived may be the exact

Three Things To Write Down

SPEAKER_00 23:50

thing that leads you into what's next. Not despite everything you've been through, but because of it. So here's what I want you to do before next week. I want you to write down, and this can be in your notes, it can be in a notebook, it doesn't matter. Actually, write down. Don't just think it. Listen, do not just think it. If you're listening to this in the car or while you're walking, I want you to come back to this. Or you can you can voice memo it into your phone. But I want you to write down three things that you've navigated in the last 10 years that you've been treating just like footnotes, kind of like, yo, yeah, I did that. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I did do that. Three things that you've done or you've survived or you've built or you've figured out that you've just sort of been thinking in your mind as like, oh yeah, I did that. Like kind of sort of brushing it off. Right? We we forget about these wins. This is a silly example, but my daughter got an award in history. I don't even know what the award was because she didn't tell me about it. She just mentioned it in passing. And I think as I was making my shake today, I thought, you know what? We didn't celebrate that. We should celebrate every win. I want my kids to understand that even the smallest, seemingly insignificant things are wins and they should be celebrated. Because we don't recognize that what we've done for the past decade, few decades is a lot. You didn't just raise your kids, you didn't just manage the house, you didn't just work full-time while while raising kids, you didn't just get through a really hard season, you didn't just beat cancer twice. You didn't just live in a marriage, an unhappy marriage for 20 years and finally divorce, right? You didn't just rebuild your life after that thing fell apart. Take out that word just and look at what's left. I raised my kids. I managed an entire household. I got through a really hard season. I beat cancer twice. I rebuilt after my marriage fell apart. Because here's the thing that's your experience. And your experience is so much more valuable than you think. Okay. And we're gonna dive into more of this next week. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna share a story with you next week just about my experience in asking for permission, y'all. That's a whole nother story with thinking we need to get permission from other people to do what we want to do. Oh, that's gonna be a fun one. You guys, again, thank you so much for being here. I cannot even tell you how much it means to me. If you want to come and discover me, find me on Substack. Do it, girl. It's substack.com forward slash Rachel A. Perry, I think, but again, it's in the show notes. Let's see what we can get into over there. It's gonna be fun. And I just want you to remember that you are not done yet. This is just the beginning. And girl, we're gonna do this thing together. So thank you so much for being here. I love and adore you. Hey, and listen, for those of you that left or have left a review on my podcast, thank you so much. Reviews are literally like gold for new podcasts, and I can't even tell you how much that means to me. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And I will see you guys next week for another episode of Not Done Yet.