Ep. 5 - Your Spark Called. She Wants Her Life Back.

Has the aliveness you used to feel about your own life gotten quieter? That forward-leaning sense that things were possible, that there were things you were genuinely excited about... it's just not as loud as it used to be. And underneath that quiet is a fear most women never say out loud: what if my spark is just gone?

She's not gone. She didn't disappear. She didn't leave. She just got buried. And those are completely different things with completely different solutions.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why so many midlife women carry the quiet fear that their spark is gone — and why that fear makes complete sense even when it's not true
• The difference between a spark that disappeared and a spark that got buried — and why that distinction changes everything
• How the burying happens gradually, without you even noticing — the ideas filed away as not practical, the pulls toward something that got quieter with each layer
• Why buried things don't disappear — they wait, patient and intact, for the moment you start to uncover them
• The kite analogy — what it feels like to finally pull your real desire down from the sky and into your lap where it actually requires something from you
• What happens on calls when a woman hits the thing she's been protecting — and why her whole energy gives it away before her brain can talk her out of it
• Why the spark you uncover might look a little different than it did at 32 — and why that's not loss, that's evolution
• What to look for when you're trying to find your way back to her — the thing you talk about where your energy shifts, the idea that keeps coming back, no matter how many times you talk yourself out of it

Links mentioned in this episode:

Not Done Yet Reset (free) — rachelaperry.com/notdoneyet

Connect with Rachel:

Instagram — @rachelaperry TikTok — @rachelaperry Website — rachelaperry.com

Loved this episode? Share it with a midlife woman in your life who needs to hear it. She is not done yet either.

Transcript

Welcome To Not Done Yet

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Not Done Yet, the podcast for midlife women who know deep down their story isn't finished. I'm your host, Rachel Perry, and here we're gonna talk about what's really happening in this season of life: the identity shifts, the quiet questions, the courage it takes to listen to yourself again, what it actually looks like to step into what's next, and why our boobs are hitting our knees. If you've ever looked at your life and thought, wait, is this it? Girl, you're in the right place. Because midlife isn't the end of your story, it's the moment you start paying attention to it. So take a breath and let's talk about what's really going on and what you want to do with it. Because, sister, you are not done yet. Hello, my beautiful friends. Hello, my beautiful queen agers. Yes, we are queen agers. I've been seeing all these things all over TikTok and Instagram about how we're like teenagers, but we just have sore bones or joints, and we are way more confident than we were when we were teenagers. That's why I call you a queenager. Y'all, we've got such a great episode today.

Naming The Lost Spark Feeling

SPEAKER_00 1:24

This is about losing your spark. Do you remember back when we were young, back when we were in our 20s and 30s, and we just had this spark. We were pumped up, we were excited about making a difference, or maybe we were excited about what was to come, or whatever it is. And now it's kind of gone. She, well, she's not gone, y'all. She's not gone. But I want you to think about this for a second. When was the last time you genuinely felt alive about something in your own life? Not related to your kids, not related to your partner, not related to, but you. When was the last time you genuinely felt alive about something in your own life? Again, not happy for someone else, not relieved that something worked out, not gratefully in the responsible, like I know I should feel this way, but actually genuinely lit up about something that was yours. And for some of you, that answer came really quickly. But for others, and I have a feeling that this is probably most of you, there was probably a pause, like a longer pause than you expected, maybe even a little sting behind it. Because somewhere along the way, that aliveness got quieter, right? The sense that things were possible, that there were things that were coming up that you were genuinely excited about, that you had energy about your own life. It's just not as loud as it used to be. We have lost ourselves, many of us in midlife have lost ourselves in the roles that we have held for 20 plus years. And now we don't need to be fully in those roles, right? Like as a mom, and I use that as an example because hello, that's my life, but as moms, we don't, our kids don't need us the way that they needed us before. And for me, I feel like all I ever did, it felt like all I was ever doing was advocating for my kids. All three of my children have learning challenges. The girls have dyslexia, my son has ADHD and anxiety. Listen, they all have anxiety, okay? They come from me. Okay. But along with those challenges, we have to wear different hats as parents, right? We have to advocate for our kids. And having been a teacher in the school system for nine plus years before I had kids, I knew what I needed to do to get my kids their services. And unfortunately, sometimes it's harder than you expect. Anyway, that was a little bit of a tangent. My point is we have all sort of worn these hats, right? And we've lost ourselves in being everything for everyone else. And as a result, that spark, that aliveness, if you will, has sort of been dimmed. Or sometimes you feel like you just don't have it anymore. And I think there's a fear underneath that that we think, well, do I have a spark? And maybe you haven't said those words exactly to yourself, but like, is there anything like, is this it? Right. Um, and that's what I want to talk about today. Because you still have your spark. She didn't disappear, she didn't leave, she just got buried. And those are completely different things, right? Than it just disappearing, it just going away.

Buried Doesn’t Mean Gone

SPEAKER_00 5:07

So I really want to talk about the fear. This is this might be a little bit uncomfortable for you, but just trust me on this. Trust me on this and walk with me through this, okay? Because I I really think when you get to the other side, it's gonna be so much better. So let's just sit with that fear for a second. Because I don't want to rush past it. And I think it deserves to be named. You know, we often have these feelings of fear or anxiety or whatever it is. And I think we try to brush over them because it's uncomfortable to feel that. But it's important to feel it so that we can move forward. So the fear that that aliveness, that that spark is gone, that that version of you who had the spark and the drive and the curiosity and the sense of what was possible is just over, that fear is real. And I think a lot of women in midlife carry it around without ever saying it to anyone, maybe even without saying it to yourself, because it feels maybe, maybe like a shameful thing to admit. Like you should just be grateful for what you have. And like wanting more, wanting to be alive, wanting to be excited, wanting that passion is somehow ungrateful for the life that you've built. Like you're being selfish for even noticing the quiet. So you don't say anything out loud. You just carry that worry. You carry it, you try to bury it. That something essential has switched off. That that the woman that you used to be, the one who got excited about things, who had ideas, who felt like the future was full of possibility. Maybe that woman was just the younger version of yourself, and and you just don't have access to her anymore. If that resonates with you, I want you to hear me very clearly when I say that's not what's happened. You haven't lost her, okay? You haven't. Your spark, that aliveness, that excitement, it's still there, right? And if it had disappeared, we could work and figure out how to go find her, how to go find that spark, right? But that's not what happened. Your spark is still there, it never moved. It didn't leave because you got busy, or because you got older, or because life got complicated. It literally stayed there. It just got buried. Buried under years of putting everyone else first. Buried under the roles that asked everything of you for decades. Buried under the noise of everyone else's needs, everyone else's timelines, everyone else's version of you, of who you should be, and what you should want, and what was realistic for someone like you. And I think there are so many stories that we're tell ourselves, not just in midlife as moms, like when we're new moms, when we're, I mean, the expectations that we put on ourselves based on what we think other people expect of us, right? And so we're, and then we are so connected to everyone else who needs us that we forget about ourselves and somehow convince ourselves that it's selfish to want something more. And here's the thing: buried things don't disappear, like emotions that we just push down. They don't go anywhere, sister. They wait. They stay completely intact underneath everything that got piled on top of them. And they just wait for the moment when someone starts to uncover them. And if it's emotions, sometimes that can be tough, right? But your spark is in there too. She's been right there the whole time underneath everything, patient, intact, and waiting. And the work isn't go out and find something that's missing. The work is to uncover something that never left. And that's a completely different thing, right? It's a smaller thing. It's it's not like I gotta go see what lights me up again. It's just remembering who you were before. And the thing is, this spark, it wasn't as if we just buried it one day. We're like, yeah, well, that's no more. It was a gradual thing. It's a gradual thing that most women genuinely can't point to a specific moment. They just look up one day and realize that the aliveness is quieter than it used to be. And they're not quite sure when that started. You just sort of remember, okay, well, I became a mom and everything's a blur. At least that's how it is for me.

How Dreams Get Buried Slowly

SPEAKER_00 9:39

So here's here's what it might actually look like for you. Maybe you had an idea, a real one, something that genuinely pulled at you, and you filed it away as not practical right now. Maybe it's writing a book, maybe it's starting a podcast, maybe it's starting your own business, maybe it's changing your job, maybe it's starting a nonprofit. Okay, whatever it is, you had that idea, but your kids were young and the finances were tight and it just wasn't the right time. So you think, okay, maybe later. But that later never quite arrived. Maybe you felt a pull towards something, like a different direction, a possibility, something that made you lean forward a little and got you a little bit excited, but then you told yourself you're not ready. You needed to know more first. You needed to be more qualified, you needed to get a certification. Maybe you just need to be more certain and more prepared. And while you were busy getting ready, that pull, that nudge got a little quieter and another layer went on top. You watched other women do things that you secretly wanted to do, build something new, start something new, put yourself out there. And you may have felt a mix of admiration and longing, not longing, like wistful longing, but thinking, man, that's awesome for her. I could never do that, but I'd love to, but I could never do that. And then you decided in some quiet way that that person was just different from you, that something made it possible for them that wasn't available to you. And so you let it go. And there's another layer, right? So we're gradually burying this spark, right? You kept your dream just far enough away that it stayed possible, but not so close that it required anything from you. Because close meant risk, and risk meant that you might find out something about yourself that you weren't sure you wanted to

The Safe Distance And Fear

SPEAKER_00 11:33

know. For me, and I've I've shared, I think, before that that I've pivoted about three times in my midlife since age 45. And the most recent, well, not the most recent, I would say probably the second one. I was at a retreat or not a retreat, but a conference. And I remember saying to my coach at the time, what I really want to do is help women in midlife discover what's next. But I'm gonna focus on this business coaching first. And she said, Why? And I said, Well, because and I stopped because I didn't have an answer. She said, Why don't you just do what you really want to do? And so I'm gonna try and paint a visual for you for a second. In my mind, when I was talking to her, this idea, this desire to work with women in midlife was kind of at my top right. Like if you think about it, the top right corner of my life, I don't know. And I remember thinking, no, no, no, no, that's up there. That's that's you know, when I finally decide to do what I want to do. And when she asked me, you know, why don't you do it now? I realized that there was a fear there because there's safety in saying, oh yes, this is what I really want to do, but I'm gonna get there one day, right? Or not right now, right? Because I still have that to lean on. But what happens if I pull it down? And I literally like pulled it down. And if you're on my you watching this on YouTube, you can see what I'm doing. I was pulling it down like it had a string. Okay. Imagine like a kite and you're trying to pull it down from being up in the sky. And when I did that, I felt really scared because now it was in my lap and I needed to move forward, but that was scary because what if it doesn't work? Or what if I fail? What if I don't have the fallback anymore? Whoa, that was tough for me. And so honestly, even when I pulled down that true desire, I still kept it far enough away so that it still stayed possible, right? Didn't I didn't it didn't require anything from me, I was just holding it right? Because close meant risk, but it didn't mean major risk. Okay. And I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to lose that fallback, right? So I kept a safe distance. And every time I chose a safe distance, every time I was like, you know what, still not right now. Like I know it's coming and I know I'm gonna do it, but not right now. Every time I decided it wasn't the right time, another layer went on top of that spark. And it it wasn't like I was doing anything wrong, it wasn't because I was weak or not brave enough, but I was doing what so many of us do. I was taking care of everyone and everything else so completely for so long that my own spark got buried under the weight of everything, and I was scared to unbury it, if I'm being totally honest. I was scared to lean into what really lit me up. Because again, what if I didn't have that to fall back on anymore? What if I did it and then it flopped? But here's the part I really want you to hear, because I think this is where a lot of women get stuck, and it's where I got stuck, right? And I don't want you to get stuck here. So as you uncover

When The Spark Evolves With You

SPEAKER_00 15:23

that spark, you're gonna notice something. You're gonna notice that it doesn't look exactly the same as it did at 32 or 28 or whatever age. The thing that lights you up now isn't identical to the thing that lit you up 20 years ago. And you might look at that and think, oh, yeah, see, it's gone. Out, nope, nothing left. The old one left, and this is something different. But I really want to offer you a different way to look at it. That spark has evolved because you've evolved. You are not the same woman that you were at 32, and girl, aren't we grateful? Okay, actually, let me just be real. I would love to have my body back at 32, although I was pregnant, but you know what I'm saying? Things weren't quite as sore as they are now. The boobs weren't quite as droopy, okay? The face wasn't quite as droopy. The wrinkles just weren't there. I had so much more hair. But here's the thing: we have so much more wisdom now, right? You have lived more, you've lost more, you've learned more, and sister, you have survived more. You are resilient, and your perspective is different. Your values have clarified. The things that matter to you have shifted in ways that are actually truly really significant. And so, of course, the spark looks a little different now. Of course, what lights you up has grown and changed along with you. That's not loss, that's evolution, that's development. That's the spark maturing right alongside the woman who carries it. So if you go looking for the exact spark that you had at 35 and you can't find it, just know it's not gone. It just grew up a little alongside you. It's still yours. It just might surprise you what it looks like now. See, that I want you to think about the thing that you talk about when your whole energy shifts and you don't even notice it happening until someone points it out. For me, I love, I mean, listen, I this is giving me such excitement and passion speaking to you as a midlife woman because I really do believe that this is our beginning. I believe that we have walked through this journey of raising families. And for many of us, surviving crazy battles like cancer, divorce, uh parents being sick, losing parents, losing children. I mean, there's so many things that we have walked through, right? But what I want you to know is that your spark is still there. That aliveness is still there. It's still alive. Okay. I want

Clues That Reveal What Lights You

SPEAKER_00 18:15

you to think about the idea that keeps coming back to you, the one that you've talked yourself out of more than once. For me, it was working with midlife women. And maybe you've pushed it away more times than you can count. Maybe it's writing a book. I think I gave some examples at the beginning. Maybe it's writing a book, maybe it's starting your own business, whatever it is. You've been practical about it, right? Because we have to be realistic, responsible. You've told yourself all the sensible reasons why now isn't the time and it's still there. It's still showing up, it's still tapping you on the shoulder like it has absolutely nowhere else to go. That persistence is not delusion. And frankly, if it is delusion, I want to be delulu. Because when we're delusional, we don't have that doubt. We're just, of course it's gonna happen. Of course it's gonna work. Your spark is telling you something. Ideas that you have aren't meant for you to fade. They're not meant to stay up there in the sky like that kite, that idea that I had, right? The ones that stay, the ones that come back after you've tried to be grateful, after you've tried to be sensible, after you've done everything right and they're still there anyway, sister, those are the ones that belong to you. And they are coming at you, they are nudging you for a reason. Think about the thing that you do when nobody's watching that makes you lose track of time. Is it reading romantic? No, I'm just kidding. That's totally me right now. The conversation that energizes you instead of draining you, the moment you forget to be tired. Okay, is that does that exist? Does that exist? I'm just kidding. But you know that feeling when you're just so on fire, maybe there's a topic that you could talk about for hours without even noticing. That's not random. That's the spark. She never went anywhere, girl. She's just been waiting for you to start uncovering her. I mean, come on. And yes, I truly believe each of you has a higher purpose. And I believe that you have an idea or a desire or a nudge for something more, and it's scary. Maybe it's traveling. Maybe it's um, you know, starting something of your own. I don't know. But I want to tell you something that I've I've witnessed on the many calls that I've had with midlife women. And I'm not sharing anything private, just a pattern. Because it happens consistently enough that I've seen it over and over and over again. And it's happened to me too. So I'll I'll sit down with a woman and

The Energy Shift On Zoom Calls

SPEAKER_00 20:44

we'll have a Zoom call. And she comes in a little bit hesitant because, like, whoa, I'm I'm meeting with someone and we're we're facing things, right? She comes in talking carefully, measured, all of her disclaimers are firmly in place, and we talked about that last week. She starts talking about her life, what's been feeling off, what she's been trying to figure out. And then she hits the thing, that idea, that desire, the direction that keeps calling her, the dream she's been protecting by not fully touching it. And something happens that she doesn't control and she doesn't expect. If I if I could bottle this up, I would be a quadrillionaire. And that is a word. I just made it up. Her whole energy shifts. It's like she sits differently. She she just gets this light that comes over her, her words come faster, something in her face changes. She leans into the screen. Body language is just completely giving it away. And that careful, measured way she's been talking gives way to something completely different, something alive and unguarded and fully present. And for a few minutes, she could she's completely herself. And that's exactly what happened to me when I was talking about the idea of helping midlife women or of speaking to that. You know, genre of people. I got so excited, and my coach said that she was like, Rachel, you have come alive. But then we immediately catch it, right? And our brain kicks back in. And in almost that same breath, we pull it back. Our energy dims, our shoulders come back down because it's almost as if in our mind we're like, yeah, but that'd never work. Like that's just not realistic. Or I don't even know how to do it. Or I'm not sure I'm the right person to do something like that. And every time I want to say, Did you feel that? In fact, I do say that. Did you feel what just happened there? You literally were on fire talking about the thing that lights you up. That was your spark. But then you bury it again. And I think that's a learned behavior as well, right? We've conditioned ourselves to do that. So here's what I want to tell you.

Stay With The Spark Longer

SPEAKER_00 22:46

I want to be really clear that I'm not talking about you having a dramatic reinvention. I'm not talking about blowing up your life or making a huge decision, selling everything that you have, quitting your job, although y'all, I've done that. I have not sold everything I have, but I did leave a partnership, right? Now, let me be very clear. I am able to do that because my husband works, right? He's he works full-time. And I think that is a gift that I am fully aware of that I have had the freedom to take these steps, these large steps. But maybe it's not that you want to quit your job. Maybe it's just something small, right? And I want you, I just really want to encourage you and tell you that that is there for a reason. Okay. That is there for a reason. And I really want to encourage you to let it exist there for just a minute without all those disclaimers, without the dismissal, without the thoughts like, oh, it's not gonna work, or how would I even do that? That's for somebody else. Because the energy that shifts when you talk about something that actually matters to you is so vitally important. I want you to notice it. I want you to stay in it a little longer than it feels comfortable. Don't talk yourself out of it just yet. Okay. I want you to think about what lights you up. And if it's not identical to what lit you up at 55, that's fine. Get curious. Start looking deeper. Ask yourself, what is this telling me about who I am now? And what has she grown into? Because you're not looking for what was, you're uncovering what is. Your spark is not gone. She didn't disappear, she didn't leave, she just got buried under years of everyone else coming first, of choosing the safe distance, of deciding it wasn't the right time. And she's been right there the whole time, waiting, waiting for you. Girl, it's time to step into the thing that lights you up. This is the beginning. You, my friend, are not done yet.

Free Reset And Share With A Friend

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Hey, if today's episode resonated with you, and I really hope it did, I created something called the Not Done Yet Reset for exactly this moment. It's a short audio walkthrough and a reflection guide that helps you start reconnecting with what's still there, with the spark that got buried. I hear that it surprises people all the time. And guess what? It's totally free. It's at rachelaperry.com forward slash not done yet. The link is in the show notes. And if this episode meant something to you, if it resonated with you, would you do me a favor and share it with a midlife friend in your life who needs to hear it? Because, girl, listen, she's not done yet either. I so appreciate you being here. This is my scary thing that I stepped into. And I really, really, really so appreciate you listening and supporting. Listen, I hope you have an amazing rest of the day, rest of the week, and I'll be back here next week for another episode of Not Done Yet.